You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
