So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
