We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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