She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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