if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
