how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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