What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize