You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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