Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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