my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
