the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
