worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Dicks are not precious.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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