Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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