cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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