I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
