If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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