Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
