Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
