Cold hands, warm shart.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
