a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
