My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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