she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
