I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
