opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
