I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
