I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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