Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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