yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
