The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
