turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
