i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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