i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
