Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
