im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She even gives head with a lisp.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize