Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
