she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
