i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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