so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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