So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
