Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize