I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
