Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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