I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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