The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize