What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
