I will die if light touches me.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
