I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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