woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
