She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
