I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
