man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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