I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Boobs are out for the taking
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
