rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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