ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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