rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
