she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Randomize
