i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize