hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
