I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
