my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
