i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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