First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
