The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
