I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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