Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
