I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
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