I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
